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What Step-Parents Can Do?

Under Family Category: Family Parenting

Bickering with your ex or constantly putting them down in front of the kids can have a devastating effect. Plus, what step-parents can do to have a smoother ride.

Q: My husband and I separated five years ago. We have two girls, 12 and 10, and now he wants to take me back through the courts for residency. His tactic seems to be to get them to hate me. He tells them I’m fat, I lie to them and I don’t feed them well. This has affected my relationship with my eldest daughter who always says I’m not telling the truth - even about things like maths problems.

A: If it upsets you, imagine the effect on the kids caught in the middle, not knowing who or what to believe. Here are some suggestions that may help.
• I’ve found parents who try to poison the kids about the other parent (whether by word, body language or action) pay a high price in the long term, when kids realise they’ve been brainwashed.
• Check with the school as to how your daughters are faring. If they’re happy, have plenty of friends and get on well with teachers and peers, chances are they’re not in a critical emotional condition.
• The fact your daughter won’t accept your maths help is probably not anything to do with parental battles - nearly every parent is seen by the kids as a maths moron with outmoded ideas.
• Get counselling. If you’re angry with his antics, you’re probably not fun to be around and the girls may not want to stay. A couple of sessions to offload your anger will help.
• If it becomes a tug of war, remember kids say different (and often contradictory) things to each parent. Get a third-party opinion and assessment through a clinical psychologist or legal representative.

Q: My 10-year-old stepdaughter lives with us. She always baits her dad and me to make us argue. We try not to act irritated, but she isn’t learning to change her behaviour. Her mum hardly ever makes contact. When the phone rings, my stepdaughter jumps up in case it’s her mum. She cries after her mum does call and is sad and angry. She won’t have anything to do with me when her dad’s around, but when he’s not, we get on well. What can we do?

A: It’s unusual for the court to take a daughter away from her mother unless there have been problems back home. Whatever those reasons are, they’re probably not of your stepdaughter’s making, so she could be grieving over the loss of her mum. Then to come and live with her dad and a woman, who’s where she might well like her mum to be, is a double jeopardy for you. She’d be both sad at the loss of her last life and angry about the changes she didn’t choose. When you’re with her dad, the loyalty to her mum makes you an enemy. When you’re alone, she can relate to you for who you are. Here are a few ideas:
• Ask if the school has a program to help children cope with change and loss.
• Be there when she’s doing fun things (sport, movies or shopping) so a bit of the good stuff rubs off onto you.
• When you’re alone with her, let her know you understand her pain, maybe share some difficulties from your childhood. Work towards agreed conduct when either of you feels hurt, so you don’t hurt the other one. That might be going to the bedroom,
sharing a hug or walking out into fresh air.
• Don’t be surprised if the more she likes you and feels drawn to you, the more she is likely to test that relationship to see if she can trust it.
• If her dad is her idol, it’s important he doesn’t leave the parenting up to you. He has to be the frontrunner, for a while, on discipline and other challenging issues that are part of every child’s upbringing.

Q: We have my partner’s four-yearold child every second weekend. She always asks why she has to return to her mother. Is this normal?

A: This is very normal. Kids often like < staying in both places, but because they're young, they find it hard to like two things at once. If she's with you and enjoying it, she won't want to go back to her mum's. When she's with her mum and enjoying it, she won't want to leave her. This either/or thinking eases with age when kids can like two different things equally. On the other hand, kids can resent fortnightly visits as they get older if it means they miss out on sport or friends.
• If your place is lax on bedtime rules, eating and other routines that are part of long-term good management of children, then you'll become the 'sugar' parents. If possible, make routines at both places consistent so the goody-baddy choice is reduced. If you or her dad get on well enough with her mum, talk about those issues. If you don't, maybe the routines can be brokered through a communication book that goes between both homes, or through a psychologist, counsellor or solicitors, if necessary.
• Maybe her mum can have some fun rituals that her daughter enjoys for when she first returns home (McDonald's or a video) so she has something to look forward to that will ease the breaking strain. Maybe you already have some for when she comes to your place?

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