Detox Your Life - Toxic Family

Under Family Category: Family Health, Family Environment

Picture of Family Members ImageContinued From Detox Your Life

Warning Sign: A family member’s behavior regularly makes you feel hurt, angry or undermined. You hesitate to share more than the minimum details about your life for fear of being criticized.

Mend It: In families, people tend to revert to the same dysfunctional roles they’ve had for years (the baby, the disciplinarian, the rebel). “Be the one to break the pattern,” says Bernstein. “You know your family’s most damaging routines, so be ready for them.” Before you visit, ask a friend to pretend to be your difficult family member and rehearse. How will you feel and respond when Big Sister says x or y? Humor is useful. When criticized, make a joke instead of defending yourself. “Justifying your choices only prolongs the argument,” he says.

Avoid really hot topics. And don’t ask parents or siblings for things you know they can’t give, advises Paul Coleman, a psychologist and author. For example, if your mother constantly criticizes your clothes, call someone else to share your excitement over the dress you found at the vintage store. Mom’s reaction will likely dampen your pleasure.

Instead, try to discover what’s possible in the relationship, advises Coleman. “Changing your expectations takes feelings of hurt and disappointment off the table and makes room for other emotions and experiences,” he says. When you stop feeling deflated because Mom disapproves of your fashion sense, you may be able to bond with her by asking her for financial advice (perhaps her passion and area of expertise).

End It: “Except in extreme circumstances, it isn’t a good idea. You pay too big a price,” says Bernstein. “Family members share a history and a sense of obligation.” You can minimize the time you spend with them, though. “Visit for a few days, not a week,” he says, “and plan outside activities, like dinner with friends.” If you live in the same town, setting limits is easier in some ways. Stop by for half an hour on your way to another commitment rather than spending the afternoon. Try to bring along another person, preferably someone your relation would hesitate to be rude or critical in front of.

Continued On Detox Your Life - Toxic Work

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